I was actually dreading writing about this one, for a lot of reasons. And after this post, I really don’t plan on bringing up this person again, let alone mention anything about them to anyone, especially on this website. I’m going to write this, like I’m writing to this person.
Alright, so I met you in 8th grade. I had no idea you even existed, before 8th grade. You added me on myspace, and I thought you looked absolutely adorable. I creeped on your comments to see if we had any mutual friends, and sure enough, we did. To top it off, we were on the same team for school. I commented on your myspace, just to make conversation with you, and you asked for my screen name. We talked on there, and then you asked for my number. We would talk and text a lot, and when I say a lot, I mean a lot. You came out and told me, within two weeks or so of talking to me, that you liked me. I realized how adorable, sweet, and innocent you were, so I realized and told you that I liked you back. You told me you really wanted to go out with me, and so I told you that you should ask me, but I’d prefer you do it in person. I remember, or at least I think I remember. It was October 24th, 2008. I was at your house, with a group of people. We were just walking around, and you pulled me aside, and you got up the balls to ask me, “Will you go out with me?” It was so awkward, because I remember texting while you asked me, and I was just like “yeah” and you hugged me, and then we walked away awkwardly. That whole “first relationship” thing was awkward. Because, you weren’t able to open up to me, in person, yet. I wanted to end things with you, just because of the simple fact that we wouldn’t talk in person. You found out about that, and you decided to talk to me about it, and end it with me. I remember watching George Lopez, getting that text, and just starting to cry. Even at that point in time, I knew that I didn’t want to lose you. You were different, and you were special to me, even at that time. We talked about it, and you told me that you still liked me. You said you wanted to be with me, but it couldn’t work if we were together right now. You told me that maybe when you talk to me more, we could pick things up where they left off. You told me you wanted to change, I mean you wanted to change in general, but specifically for me. I never gave up on you. You randomly dated the person who I now hate, and I was just very confused and hurt. Your relationship didn’t last long. I didn’t talk to you for a little bit, because I was so pissed off at you for being with her. But, somehow we made up, and started to talk again. We became best friends. I would talk to you every night on the phone, and when we weren’t talking, we would be texting each other. I told you everything, and you quickly knew everything about me pretty much. One night, I got a text from you that said this: "I really do not want to make this awkward but i know this will, but i think now that im actually talking to you im starting to like you. I know from what ive done you prolly arent going to feel the same way but i really cant help but feel like this. Its killing me that i didnt tell you this but i really just cant hold it in. I value our friendship so much but i needed to say this." I can’t even explain to you the eruption of butterflies that was in my stomach at that moment. I realized that despite everything, I had feelings for you too. We continued to talk, and we continued to flirt it up every night that we would talk - whether it be on the phone, or through text message, or even when we hung out. One night, we got into a fight. I remember I stopped answering you. I was watching George Lopez, and I remember my phone vibrating and thinking “Oh gosh, what does he want?” I opened it to find a message that read: "Ok im sorry. But do you want to know how i feel? I feel like i would do anything possible to make you feel better. When i walk past you and you smile i feel like the happiest guy. When we talk i feel like your the most important girl that ive ever met. You are the cutest girl that ive see and i could just stare at you for hours. You say the sweetest things to me and always make me feel better. I love that i can trust you with anything and i know you wont tell a single person about it. I feel like if you can get me to start talking you must be really special and you mean a lot. I feel terrible if i dont see you or talk to you even one day. I really love you and i want you to know it so bad i would do anything to prove it. I love all the things you can tell me and theres a lot more to how i feel that i cant express. Goodnight" - That message changed everything for me. From then on, you had my heart. Just the fact you were saying that to me, meant the world. Just the fact that you were able to open up to me, talk to me, and be yourself around me, when you couldn’t be that way around anyone else, especially girls, made me so happy. Shortly after this, I remember we had PSSA’s. I asked you if you would write me a note, and you did. It was a front and back page note, which I still have saved. I mean, I wrote it up on the computer quite some time ago, and I’m glad I did, because I wouldn’t have it after what I did.. (ripped up the notes, you’ll see why later.) Anyway, you told me you couldn’t give me the note until the end of the day. At the end of the day, you asked me out, and I joyfully said yes. It was a lot less awkward this time. It was just so wonderful, and I felt great. I read the note, and it said at the bottom “Hopefully you said yes when I asked you out at the end of the day.” The whole note was very sweet. We went out for, I don’t actually know how long to be honest with you. It wasn’t as long as it seems, through my eyes. I just remember you being so cute with me. You would get so close to me, and I would just have enormous butterflies in my stomach. You told me you had never been so in love with anyone else. I was mad, because the same girl that you went out with after we broke up the first time, was trying to get you back. You had classes with her, and she saw you more than I was able to. You would tell me how she would text you and say things, and I trusted you. Which is why I don’t understand why I broke up with you, but I guess I did it because I couldn’t handle the stress anymore. I know I broke your heart. It was childish the way I did it too, and I still regret it to this day. Somehow, you managed to want to still be close friends with me. That entire time we were just “best friends” after that, I liked you so much. Come June, I told you I liked you still. You told me it didn’t matter because I’d forget about you when Bryan came home, which was the complete opposite of the truth. I gave up, I didn’t think you cared. So, when you asked me, “you don’t like me, do you?” I lied, and told you no. You ended up dating this other person yet again. She depruded you. She took away your innocence. I feel like you changed after that. I hated you, I really did. SHE texted me, telling me that you missed me. So, I gave you another chance, despite everything. Once I started talking to you more, she flipped out on me. I flipped out back. You were my friend first, my boyfriend first.. without me, she wouldn’t have even known who you were. First semester came around of ninth grade. I figured out you were in my gym class. I was excited about that, because I got to see you. Suddenly, all your x-box friends were adding me, and some would tell me how much you would talk about me. It made me very happy. I spent halloween with you. Instead of going out, I laid in bed and watched scary movies with you. You told me you liked me again. Randomly, you stopped talking to me. I don’t know what I did, I really don’t. It seemed like you suddenly became too cool for me. I loved you, and you didn’t even know it. You would flirt with other girls, who I knew you had interest in, because you told me, right in front of my face. It ate me alive, to see the person I love, flirting it up with prettier girls. I decided I was going to write out a letter to you, and tell you how I felt. But, I got extremely nervous, and ended up skipping the Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, right before Christmas. My friend Deanna wanted me to come right out and ask you through text message Wednesday if you wanted to be with me, and you told me you saw us better off as friends. You broke my heart. I couldn’t even face you anymore. After Christmas break, I skipped school just so I wouldn’t have to be in gym class, just so I wouldn’t have to look at you. The sad thing is, I don’t think you even noticed. The start of second semester was seriously a miracle to me. I still had to pass you when I went to the other building, but I never saw you other than that. It became easier to deal with the pain. Randomly in April, I went and saw “The Last Song” with you. My feelings were still the same for you, but nothing too powerful. Then come May, I think the day or two after my birthday, you came over. That day put my feelings for you on a whole new level. You were the only one I would trust enough to be intimate with. I didn’t see you for a long time. You came over in July, and it was somewhat awkward, but just the fact I got to see you, touch you, and have you in my arms meant a lot to me. Then, you came over a week or two after that. I told you I wanted to be friends with benefits with you, but that was just a cover-up. I didn’t think you liked me, so I thought that was the only option I had to see you and be with you. You didn’t act like just a friend with benefit though. I don’t think friends with benefits cuddle with you, I don’t think they lay and talk with you, I don’t think they wipe your tears away and hold your hand as you cry when a show like “If You Really Knew Me” was on. I knew that night, that my feelings for you had evolved into more than a like. I’ve never felt this way about somebody before. I had never felt so comfortable around somebody, I had never had such passion when I was with somebody. I had never wanted someone so bad, and I had never gotten jealous so easily. I had never thought about someone so much, and I had never stuck by someone for so long and still had strong feelings. I realized that what I was experiencing, was love. I wanted to tell you, I really did. But, you blew me off. And that broke my heart. I said goodbye to you, about a week ago. It hurts, to know that you don’t care like you used to. It hurts, to know that you’re not the same person you used to be. I just wish you’d look at me, the way I’ve always looked at you. I didn’t, and don’t, want to say goodbye to you. But, I don’t know what else to do at this point. I’m worn out. And I hate it.
That’s it. Never talking about it on here again. And if you read this all, kudos to you.